IKEA - the future?

Nice to be back.

Today was my IKEA initiation.  Like they say at the best training events, "What did you come expecting?"  I'd heard about the hotdogs (50p).   In fact, in terms of food, the value of IKEA's all-in breakfast was so renowned that Coventry Jesus Centre stopped offering theirs.  Drop-In service users had defected to the nearby Store.   I'd heard how, "You can't get out...  You just keep going round and round."  But I was dubious.  And I hoped to be mildly impressed by Scandinavian design.  

Mary and I were reasonably focussed.  We needed to get a 80" bookcase to match the one we bought second-hand last week at British Heart Foundation.  And we needed to try out some sofa-beds.  

"It opens at 10am," Mary offered.  Well, civilised.  Time to go to the gym, have some breakfast and a bath with no problem.  The Sheffield store is new, and there are road signs as you approach.  Unfortunately, not at the vital final right turn.  "No, no, not here - further up, by the flags," Mary directed.  That is, misdirected. 

Mary had done her homework.  "Section 3," she announced.  We found it on the first floor- and the sofa beds.  The names confound.  Model 'Lycksele', with Lövås, Murbo or Håvet mattress, and Ebarp, Vallarum or Ransta cover.   Rolls off the tongue?  No?  Maybe a Gräsbo or Vansta cover, then, available on the other model?   Once we'd found information sheets, we could tick what we thought best.  "Just show them it at the Check-out," I resigned.  Like ordering at at an Italian restaurant; pollo, funghi, cacio.

Two sections on.  Wey-hey: 'Billy' the bookcase!  Are we in Legoland?  "Hmm," muttered Mary.  "The spare shelves are £12 each.  I thought they were £7, from the website."  More ticking of information sheets.

That's it, then.  An hour or so usefully gone, and we're on our way out, heading for the Picking section and Check-out.  But not so straightforward.  We consult the information board - for all the world like a London Tube Line map.  "We go out through the Family and Children's Rooms," Mary points out.  We're temporarily distracted.  I by the luggage - I've lost my best flight holdall, and Mary by searching for a bedside lamp that clips on the headboard.  A voice breaks over the muzak, announcing that there will shortly be fire alarm tests, and please don't worry.  I hear none, and do.

Hittarp/Metod with Utrusta

Back on the ground floor, we head for Section 23, Picking and Check-out.  Mary remembers she wanted to see some kitchen shelves, and I wanted to look at corner units.  Back to the first floor again.  We wind round the displays, eyes fixed down on the arrow gobos from the suspended projectors.  I fantasise about turning some round so customers are condemned to eternal wandering.  Mary spots a circular rug.  "I've been looking for one of these, and it's reduced," she smiles.  The computer won't process the order.  I walk away.  Mary's more patient.  The assistant assures us it will be ready for collection.

"Good afternoon, customers... " the fire alarm voice intones again.  It's well past 12 already.   "This is worse than Blenheim Palace maze," I mutter.  Fourteen stations of the Cross, and 23 Sections in IKEA.  We gather more information sheets on the kitchenware.  "How does so much stuff get designed and produced?"  My words fade into the air.  Mary is investigating plastic yucca plants.  Definitely time to head for Check-out.   

In the Picking bay, I try to heave a 'Billy' pack from the rack.  Thirty kilograms I can usually manage, but not this.  And anyway, 80" is too long to fit in the car.  We negotiate the pick-and-deliver, adding £35 to the bill.    Two ladies we'd seen earlier stand in the queue with a dismembered 'Lycksele'.  The Check-out lady helpfully directs us to the Collection point where we'll find the rug.  A young couple are struggling to get two trolleys-worth of boxes into the back of their Audi.   As we walk to our car, the guy, defeated, heads for the Info desk and the order-and-deliver option.
Tomorrow - 'Billy' cömes.

New Year Celebration 2015

It's going to be twelve months of modestly-scaled events.  But the turn-of-the-year national celebration is customarily more in-house and low-key, anyway. 

Northampton Council appeared to have generously cancelled parking charges, I suspect for post-Xmas shoppers.  But it may simply have been staff cuts.  When we arrived, St John's Multistorey was already filling up.  My five passengers, including Clara and Lu, two Chinese-speaking students, had all fallen asleep en-route. 

I'd gathered that I wasn't due to be taking part in the stage items, as Farhad hadn't me sent a running order.  It was true that there were no baptisms (my usual responsibility at national events), but in fact we were due to recognise a new church household in Coventry, which is part of my 'patch'.

Perhaps more pressing on my mind was my mobile phone.  There's been an interminable dispute over text messages since we changed contracts from Orange/EE/HTC to Class Telecomm/Vodaphone/Motorola.  I have half a dozen 'bogey' numbers that my phone won't send SMSs to under any circumstances.  These include Mick, Kelly, Jack, Barrie - a pretty significant inconvenience.  I've done a good engineer's diagnosis run: how are the numbers stored?, is there a problem with signal/network connection?, etc.  Tellingly enough, I've never - at the same time - had a problem with an old EE pay-as-you-go phone that I've hung on to for just such eventualities.  We've tried a new handset (reluctantly - as it took more than an afternoon to reset all my applications, and then I've lost some data).  Most recently, Class Support sent me a new SIM.  No better.  Today, I'm under instructions to try the SIM in someone else's handset.  I have to pick some guinea-pigs.

The afternoon items were fresh and positive.  We introduced 'Sovereign over us' - much better than the attempts I'd achieved around the Regions.  And, led by Steve, we recognised the pioneering Coventry church household 'New Furrows'.  It has several of my old friends in the membership, including Nick and Gav and their families.  I'd also squeezed in a look at Andy's extended range of old book and article reprints.  Mary and I are recording NIV gospels of Luke and John respectively, for his visually impaired project. 

The tea scene was the usual mele.  But I found Viv, and we did the SIM-swap bit with his Nexus 4 - and it worked fine.  Then the same with Gav and his Sony Experia Z1.  So, job done; all but the long email to Support that I'd have to send to list the results.  I wanted to catch up with Clive from Springfield, and I know they eat in the Cafe, along with Battle Centre and Open Doors.  The peace and sanity was like landing on the Mayfair and Park Lane end of your Monopoly board.  I saw Dave our ICT techie, too, and we speculated if GCHQ are interrupting my texts and bodging sending them on.  Seriously.

In the evening Mick slightly cut short the programme.  Constitutionally, I'm not a 'less is more' protagonist.  But we seem to have covered the 2015 word of discipling effectively, and had engaged well in heartfelt worship.

Steven stayed on board with Mary and I as we headed to Kings House.  We were stopping overnight so I could take the Sunday morning event in Coventry.  Mary had arranged to see Andrew, Ellen and crew on their longboat over breakfast.   We opened the 'spreads' cupboard door to find only yeast extract and marmalade for our toast, and explored the cake tins with similar small returns.  And our folks at home still insist we don't overdo food.  

The Coventry morning meeting rolled along well, and Simon inspired the congregation to pray out about their needs so they could move forward in 2015.  Then he showed me the leaking boiler plumbing in the Jesus Centre.  We settled on lunch at Open Doors, and had a constructive exchange with Ruth about "kids' splots".  As we hit the M1, once again my passengers fell asleep.  I'll take it they were content in their spirits.  It's a good job I'm well adapted to lonesomeness.

Jesus Centre Managers' Forum

It's a meeting I look forward to.  Our Jesus Centres probably carry most autonomy of all our local activities.  So, we need intentional cooperation to prevent isolation, mission drift and 'reinventing the wheel'.  Every three months the managers come together, rotating the meetings between our four Centres.  The agenda is flexible, except at the end of year when we carry out a structured review, as befits an efficient charity.

This year we gathered against the backdrop of our financial pressures.  Two weeks ago, the Trustees' Exec met - for the first time since our establishment.  Chairman John had produced an excellent synopsis.  Treasurer Mike had reviewed and commented on the big-ticket items in each Centre's 2015 budgets.

Overnight, following the Financial Summit, I'd stayed at Kings House.  I'd pleasantly spent the evening with Andrew, Ellen and crew.  First thing in the morning I'd texted birthday greetings to her and Kat - they're seven years apart.  (Vodaphone let me down on the second text, but that's a whole nother story.)

On the way to Central Offices, I'd picked up a load of distribution from John Fervent's vending machine company customer.  The Forum meeting was eased along with samples of (lurid pink) green tea and peach cordial, pomegranate juice, and Mars mixtures.  The remainder will find its way to Sheffield Jesus Centre.

We have two tricky objectives to meet: to continue to enable the vision for congregations to run Centres, and to ensure these are sustainable.  So, it's expansion and consolidation at the same time, with the seeming contradiction this implies.  John spoke of the difference between limbs being lopped off and being pruned.  He steered us through the financial constraints (nothing new to the voluntary sector!), and income targets.

Then on to the work on the ground.  Each Centre was able to report progress in 2014, though successes weren't equal.  The common thread is a drift away from fully meeting annual costs, and a sense that we're on the limit with volunteer input.  So the message really is one of resetting our expectations so we live within our means - in the total meaning of the expression.  And communicating this positively, while aspiring to be more effective with what we've got.  Finally, after a couple of years of frustration, opening a Centre in Birmingham is now within our reach.

After lunch it was time to fix our objectives, likely obstacles and mitigation for 2015.  Managers are emerging as teams getting on top their responsibilities.  Northampton Jesus Centre now has strong local staff, London is looking brighter, Coventry have freshened up their service offerings and Sheffield now tends to a measure of realism.

So, much to do.  For me it starts with our own local Management Committee Exec meeting this  Sunday, followed by Coventry's equivalent on Monday evening.  But we're all in it together, and God's in it, too.
 

The Big Bonfire

I admit that that I was a bit sceptical.  The Big Pick had proved a popular success, so it seemed irresistible to produce a sequel. 

I've spent hours talking down leadership teams from repeating programmes for evangelism campaigns or other events, just become the last one worked well.  If you happen to have hit what the Holy Spirit's turned up and blessed, then find what may similarly be the case for your next event.  The Holy Spirit doesn't work to formula.  However, I was told there was another reason: some folks wanted to see if we could hold a major event that didn't cost £20,000.

Mary and I were due to be in Coventry for the weekend, and Promise household had pitched to be at the Bonfire, so we were happy to go along.  Viv hitched a lift, too.

Even at the advertised start time, 4.30pm, Cornhill was bitingly cold and in total darkness.  Well, a big shout for the folks who had set everything up.  There were two strings of lights, tables of drink and food laid on, and the bonfire site was nicely cordoned off, including a semicircle of benches.  Folks were arriving for well over an hour, milling around chatting and periodically cosying up to the heat to thaw out.

Then the guitars came out and we had a session of worship.  Yes, it was good to be together like this - a few from Brighton, London and Birmingham, most of Leicester and Coventry as well as the Northampton locals.

Mary and I got to Promise in time for some supper, and the guest bedroom was as warm as anyone could wish.

I led the Sunday morning event at the Jesus Centre, and Gav and the team made a good job of my (customarily) challenging choice of songs.

 Lunch was the periodic all-congregation event, this time hosted by Kings.  A few dropped out on the way, but the big lounge and all the ground floor rooms were cheerily full.  I overheard it mourned that come next year, the congregation will likely have no equivalent sizeable property. 

Mary chipped off to see Andrew, Ellen and the crew nearby.  Meanwhile Nick fired up his '0' gauge genuine steam train in the Gate, and soon had a crowd of admirers.  As if appropriate for the weekend, his enthusiasm triggered the smoke detector and set off the fire alarm.  So, copy that.

Multiply UK Leaders Conference (MUKL) 2014

Trapped by my now-officially more prominent role in Multiply, I ended up on the planning team for MUKL.  And anyway, they met in my office.  So I was ahead of the game when we sounded out Kings Church Medway if they'd act as hosts, and delighted that they readily agreed. 

The shift of the venue to Kent raised a challenge for folks who customarily like to attend but who live north of Watford.  Even the Northamptonshire Church contingent would have to leave at 7am.   Claire was quick to spot my dilemma; "You and Mary must stay overnight with us at River."   Great - we took the invitation to extend the weekend to spend Sunday morning with the Coventry saints.  But others didn't cope so well, and Hannah had to cancel the comfortable coach we booked in favour of two minibuses (ah - economy). 

Ed (also co-opted, like me), Iain and Pastor Andrew, who was over from Uganda for two weeks' 'Leadership Hosting', visited Kings Church in September to cover the practical issues.  Desmond, new Chair of Multiply International Exec, had had to cancel his return travel plans to Sierra Leone and so agreed to head up the morning teaching.

Steven had attended last year, and was keen to come with us, and Jamie was up for it too.  So, Friday teatime and evening found us comfortably spread around River's lounge appreciating the local saints, and abundance of chocolate.  I heard Andy Lantsbery come home at 1am after he'd been evangelising in Birmingham, even though he was our early morning driver.  Hardcore.

Kings Church were on a high.  They'd just started to move into their new community house bang opposite the church and next door to their Caring Hands outreach ministry and initial shared house premises.  "The church is winning," was the spirit.  Their community contingent is now about 60 strong, and circumstances around the property auction and free remodelling of their grounds indeed speak of the Lord's favour.  During the lunch break we had a guided tour.

Kings Church leader Mat Guest led the afternoon session, complete with a great band arrangement of Hillsongs 'Oceans'.  Mat made the hard-to-argue-with statement: "You must change, that's the start of the church changing, and we impact change on the world, by which the church grows (with new people)".   Whew; so why do we hunker down in our holy huddles?

Of course in all the buzz, we were late leaving.  And our foursome were similarly late arriving at Kings House, (in the middle of their Saturday evening get-together).  Sunday morning at Coventry Jesus Centre followed the format of their monthly evening celebration, with full band and baptisms.  Their faith is on a rising trajectory, too.  Yes, Christians are winning.

Regions and Empires

When we simplified the 2014 Church diary, we dropped the September North/South half-church celebration meeting.  However, in our typical wanting-it-both-ways manner, we encouraged Regions to arrange something that would bring folks together.  I hinted to the Warwickshire and Leicester leaders that a joint event at Coventry Jesus Centre may nicely fit the bill.  They weren't up for anything as 'set-piece', and decided just to mix up households for something on the Saturday afternoon and evening. 

I had a vested interest, because it was a weekend that Mary and I were due to be in Coventry.  And every visit to Kings House is drawing nearer to our final one when the Church closes it down.  We took Steven and Jamie in tow.  Folks from Spingfield trickled in after lunch.  It turned out that most of the guys had gone for some hairy overnight adventure to celebrate Caleb's birthday.  The weather was indifferent, so not an ideal day for activities outdoors.   

James was in charge of divertisements, and launched us into a game of 'Empires'.  I hesitate to explain the rules exactly.  It starts with everyone conceiving an alias and the MC sticking up the choices (must be unique) on post-it notes without leaking any real identities.  The youngest in the room kicks off the questions. "Mary, are you Florence Nightingale?" If "No", then Mary takes over the questioning.  If "Yes", then Mary joins the questioner's empire (and is basically exempted from any further active part in the game).  If you're lucky enough to guess the identity of someone who already has a budding empire, then they all come over into yours.  To keep the questioning moving, the MC should allow about 15 seconds for thought.  So you're best to line up a couple of next potential questions/candidates.  The typical final outcome is that one person scoops the whole room, and is declared the undisputed winner. 

It's intriguing at several levels.  First, who do you choose as your alias.  The younger children just tended to opt for fictional characters - say, Harry Potter or Postman Pat.  The older folks tended to opt for someone they thought would be universally recognised, so there wasn't an obvious traceable link.  It didn't always work because of the generational assumption: like, Reginald Bosanquet.  Reginald Bosanquet???  Ah, almost before colour television.  The devious picked someone less commonplace - Nicolas Cage, Angela Merkel.  But equally the field of interest may give you away.  Justin Bieber won, with Alexander Fleming proving resistant, and Xerxes baffling several early questioners.

It was the most effective icebreaker I've ever met.  When you've exhausted asking your friends (and mostly guessing wrongly), you're driven to propositioning folks you've never seen or spoken to before.  And risking exposing your impressions of them!  Then, for the highly competitive, there are subtle tactics, like asking someone if they are your alias, so folks are put off the scent.  At least, that's how we played it.  Next time I think I fancy Jessica Ennis.

Leaves on the Line

Two Jesus Centre meetings to attend on Friday: Finance Group in the morning and Centre Managers' Forum in the afternoon, both conveniently held at Coventry.

I'd been to Kettering by train on Thursday, for our monthly Apostolic Team get-together, and picked up a return ticket for Coventry on my way home.  A bunch of our Eritrean Sunday congregation attenders had prepared tea and invited several friends.  Keith and Kristia were there too, up from London for their daughter's wedding at the weekend. 

Keith aims to retire from doctoring in a couple of years, and is setting up a horticultural project under the Assembly's 'One Planet, One Wales' initiative.  He was keen for advice about cooperative business, sustainability, etc.  Some time it would be nice to tootle over to Haverford to see what they're up to.

Friday morning didn't start well.  A few things were spinning in my head from the A Team meeting.  I had to call into the Jesus Centre to pick up a file of papers.  The handle broke on my briefcase (a mere 20 years old) as I walked to the station.  The journey was fine, including the section from Birmingham New Street to Coventry in a Virgin Pendalino.  They really are swish, with tarty blue cabin light providing an even better decor than an Emirates triple seven (Boeing 777 to non-flyers).

The Finance meeting, too, was fine, although attendance was down and even three of those who came excused themselves early.  JACT has made a lot of effort to improve financial 'sinews'. 

The other guys arrived for the Managers' meeting, and we chatted engagingly about photocopiers, Foodbanks, service promotion and spiritual impact.  We were impressed by Coventry's new programme of Friday night services.  Meanwhile, the sky darkened and the Well Cafe's panoramic view displayed impressive flashes of lightning. 

Our Facilities Manager Kevin had separately travelled from Sheffield, but we walked back to the station together.  The indicator board spelled trouble.  Some departures were flashing incomplete information, and arrivals were well delayed.  Kevin - a total railway buff - tried to find someone to explain.  We decided to take our chance and jump on the first service leaving for New Street.  It was packed and every seat was taken. 

"Hey!  Ian.  Just a minute - Ian Callard." A slightly grizzly baseball-capped guy addressed me.  "You don't know me, do you?"  I didn't.  "Harvest House, 1982...  Joe."  I really was no wiser.  He chatted on happily about folks he'd known, and how Mick had taken over from Noel.  And now?  "Well, life just overtakes you.  I'd like to meet Barney again, though," he added.

"Listen mate," Kevin barged in.  "Don't just say that, do something.  At our morning prayer time I had a word to say that on the way home I'd meet somebody to talk to about God.  He knew about you.  We weren't even supposed to be on the train!"  Joe softened.

We stopped at Birmingham International.  'This service is terminating here owning to a tree fallen on the line,' the PA announced.  (In fact the blockage was between Banbury and Leamington, but New Street station wasn't coping.)  We (three) shuffled across platforms and Kevin spoke to the lady next to him.  "This is the second time," she groaned.  "I was on the train immediately behind the one that got hit by the tree."  The afternoon's thunderstorm had a lot to answer for.

At Birmingham, we waved goodbye to Joe and found a delayed train heading for Sheffield via Derby.  If anybody has a spare hard briefcase, big enough to take two A4 files side-by-side, I'm keen to hear.

Multiply Zambia 2014 - Day Minus One

Monday wasn't supposed to be like this!  We had a great time on Saturday at the national celebration in Birmingham's New Bingley Hall.  The Multiply team was commissioned on stage in the afternoon.  Len led much of the evening, and Matt from Kings Church Medway spoke, too.  Mary and I went on the stay the night in Coventry, at what has become known as '64' (Leamington Road) since the Bright Flame saints moved there earlier in the year.

 Loz - my sometime blog mentor - led the Sunday morning meeting.  We had an erudite menu, including a clip of Steven Fry and Bear Grhylls in dialogue, and several leaders boogying around to the Pharrell Williams 'Happiness' song.  Er, I forgot the exact point, but it was something like hope doesn't equal optimism: which is true.  Sigh: chapter two.

We'd had an invitation to lunch with Roanne, who lives with Neil and Claire.  She, with Mim, her partner in the venture, have set up a not-for-profit social enterprise to import and market crafts from micro finance projects in Bangladesh.  The set-up is called 'Glass Half Full', and they're seeking £35,000 of funding.  The aim is, if possible, to steer this towards Multiply, once there's an income stream.  It's very good.

On the way home to Sheffield, about 5.pm, Mick sent a text to confirm an early (and hasty) meeting first thing on Monday at the Farm Central Offices.  Packing would have to wait.  But mercifully I'd thrown a lot of things into the right piles on Friday night.

It was just as well that I turned up because we hadn't withdrawn any dollars and we also needed some more cash for the conference budget.  I was able to provide the reassuring hums as wads of notes went into my briefcase!  At the lunchtime Brotherhood, Hannah did a presentation on the trip, so it was time well spent.

I called in at Sainsbury's at Fosse Park, Leicester for some cheap petrol, and ventured into the store to get some shortbread biscuit.  This is a travellers friend, being high calorie, acceptable if you've got a funny tummy and compact for packing.  I seemed to walk through the vast building for a quarter of an hour before finding the three (not one) sizes and weight offered.  Then I thought I'd try the self serve check-out.  No, I wasn't motivated by the recent announcement that the main supermarkets record between 4.7% and 7.4% extra stock 'shrinkage' since they've trusted customer with this.

Though not having a clue what to do, I was happy to follow the lady on the video screen, and wafted my packet under the scanner just as she did.  Lights flashed and I got a screen full of asterisks telling me I'd used an invalid card.  Invalid card!?  A ruddy and juvenile customer service assistant duly arrived.  He muttered several sentences in consumerese - incomprehensible to me.  I shrugged and sloped off to wait in queue.  It would have been simpler to have had them delivered from Harrods. 

I felt queasy.  I think it's the side effects of the mozzi tablets.  I was at the wrong end of the store to find my car.  I think even the Lego man from Google Street View would have got lost.

Back home, I broke a fasting habit of 28 years and had tea with everyone.  I aimed to attack some last-minute emails, then the packing.  The broadband at home had choked up again owing to certain residents caning it with film watching.  I gave up on that - another little job to fit in tomorrow before I go - and got back to the cases.  10pm brought triumph: one 17kg and one 18kg.  It had been a long day!